I want to talk [to you] about a very scary moment in my life and since it is a one of a couple of major wake up calls about how important fitness and health is I've had in my life-I feel I should address it. So here's the back story.
Earlier this year [2013] in late April I found out I was going to be a mom for the 2nd time. I was a bit scared because I am still in school and not in a position that if things didn't work out between "dude" and I that I wouldn't be able to handle everything. I can handle my little man an myself but if I have to feed another mouth on my own I'd be struggling and that's not where I want to be in life.
I'm sure I don't have to mention how "dude" and I were having a rocky time in our relationship after 3 and 1/2 years together. I mean what relationship doesn't have problems? but you know it's bad when.... At a certain point you know it's bad- lets just say that.
On the other hand I was still happy because it's a brand new little person-Coming from my body! That alone is amazing to me.
But as the days went by I started feeling pain and was even starting to bleed like the beginning of a period- I was also under a lot of stress because "dude" was in an unhappy place in his life which I understood but if there is nothing I can do and I'm adding to your stress and and turn you are adding to mine the best solution in my opinion is to separate.
Things said in anger will be remembered, especially by me... Especially if you try to hurt me by using my child (that's a BIG no-no.) At this point I might as well be blunt. "Dude" was so mad at me because I didn't want to name our child after his mother (side note: his mother didn't like me so why should I name the child I'm carrying after someone who doesn't like me?) Also he started telling me things like if we didn't stay together I wouldn't be able to leave the state without his permission, how I'm not going to get child support and a lot of other things and which heightened emotional states, on all sides. I knew I couldn't have this child. I was devastated because I didn't want an abortion.
My son is mildly autistic and when I had mentioned my intentions to "Dude" about not keeping it he said how he wishes I never have kids again, how he wishes my "retarded son pays for every you do" ...right there I knew our relationship was over and there was no hope in ever trying to save it.
Moving fast forward I was having pain and bleeding nurses were telling me it's normal but I didn't believe it then in the middle of the night on Mother's Day I had this debilitating pain. I could not stand up. I was on the floor crying it was so bad but it was 3 in the morning and my son was sleeping I didn't think it was fair to wake him up to go to the e.r.
All I could do was pray...so I did. The next day I went to the e.r. I waited so long I was about to walk out but I thought to myself "I waited this long- I might as well stay and see what's up" and then I started getting that pain again now I knew I should stay. My name was called the doctor told me to pee, she asked if I knew I was pregnant I told her yes. Then I told her my symptoms and the "magic wand"-- the ultrasound wand was put inside of me and I was told it needed to come out because it was growing in my Fallopian tube. So the same night I went in I was told I needed a surgery a.s.a.p! I called my mother that same night and told her everything.
I even spoke with "dude" he had nothing to say but "I'm leaving"-- it was a relief but I was scared I had never had a surgery and I'm not a fan of hospitals unless you are knocking on deaths door. Sometimes even getting a simple surgery could make one end up at deaths door. All I could think about was my little boy- who would take care of him if something happened to me? I prayed some more until I was no longer conscious from the anesthesia.
I woke up with this tremendous pain after surgery. They gave me some morphine and I fell out. The second time I woke up I had to pee. I was hooked up to all these wires and in pain so the nurse brought a pan and told me to lift up. Lifting up was so challenging but I was able to do it- it reminded me of that butt lift move called the bridge which I had done so many times in my routine. And here I was struggling to do it. Right there I thought "OMG! If I were 200 pounds I wouldn't be able to do it" that was my wake up call.
I went home alone- lying to the doctors that I had someone waiting for me. There is was no one. Walking was painful. Laying down, siting and standing up, were all painful. I didn't cook, I ordered out, all that IV-fluids made me bloated. My body had changed. I was depressed because I lost not only my relationship (he had been my best friend), I lost a baby I was going to have, my mobility-- it was all so much...
Fitness & health is about MIND BODY AND SPIRIT. And I felt I hit rock bottom. If it weren't for my little boy needing me and having a dog that needed to be walked I wouldn't have gotten up. Spirit is what holds everything else together in my life experiences. It's because of what i hold dear to my heart I still acted like I had it together. My son (and my sanity) was the reason I could do all that I could. I was also still in school after all (recuperating but still enrolled) so I couldn't let anything stop me, it could slow me down but I couldn't give up.
When I started training again I didn't feel right. I didn't feel like myself. And I was still in pain. Even though I had no stitches they used that glue and I was afraid it would somehow open. I mean when you think about it the doctor had to cut my skin, my fat, the muscle and then the organ. The body needs some time to heal. And i'm sure they didn't use glue on anything else. At that point I just decided to live. To be happy. To enjoy the baby ( my little man who's not a baby) as much as i could before he grew up. So the entire summer we were at the beach every day. And I didn't workout I just walked until I couldn't walk - I could barely walk a mile.
And now that I have my head straight and could see the situation for what it was (with my spiritual understanding self) I've made peace with all of it and back in training. This is my journey.
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